90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
