A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
