thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize