have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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