yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
