When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
We have so much sex to catch up on
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
