Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
The power of my boobs compel you
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
