the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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