Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
