The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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