I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
