I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
