I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
