New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
