I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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