Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
