and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
