I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
In other news, I just burned my penis
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
