Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize