Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
