Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
