good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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