whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
