i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So squirting runs in the family.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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