Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize