i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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