I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
