Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
