I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
