I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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