Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
