I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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