Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
This is not my ceiling
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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