my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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