i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
