If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
