It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
