Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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