My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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