i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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