I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
