FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
