you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
