I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
