Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
