can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
