I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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