I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
