my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
