I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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