did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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