id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
