They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
