The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can't put those talents on a resume
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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