remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
