This dress was meant to end up on your floor
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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