well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
